I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
