i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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