I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
