I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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