I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
