his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
