We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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