Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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