Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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