There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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