Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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