I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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