You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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