highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
