i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
