Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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