U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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