if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
