What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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