the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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