theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I would ride that face into the sunset
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
