He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
