Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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