my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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