apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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