she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
