every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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