I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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