Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
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I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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