no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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