we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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