i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
