John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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