Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
