I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
