We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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