stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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