we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize