I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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