I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
