Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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