I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
