ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
