can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
