shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
