I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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