If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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