Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
