shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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