there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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