I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
