I think I died a long time ago.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
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a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
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He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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