you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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