It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
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Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
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He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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