My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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