i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Can you bring me the toilet please
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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