i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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