"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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